“It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.” –Proverbs 20:3:

Maybe this is a lesson learned in time. How I wish I could have lived this when I was younger. Over time, I have come to understand that the need to argue is rooted in insecurity. If I went back and told myself what I know now, I am not certain I would have listened. It is not because I was unwise. It is not because I was stubborn—which I was. It is because I was insecure in my personality. I was also less secure in my faith.

It seems like life is full of arguing and debates. It is seemingly the epitome of social media. It is on TV, it is in our politics, it is on the radio, it is on the news, it is at family gatherings, it is with friends, it is with peers, it is even in churches.

I have found myself in so many of these quarrels. Over time it has cost me friends, it has cost me the quality of the relationship with many friends that were somehow kept despite it. Arguments have prevented friendships, and it they have caused stress in family relationships.

I think the only thing that I have gained from all my arguing is that I have learned it is best not to do it. Nothing of any value has come of it. If I was right or if I was wrong, it didn’t matter. Even if my intentions were righteous and my arguments were valid and good, nothing of any lasting value has followed me to this point. And let’s not talk about when I was wrong, or when I made a fool of myself. In the end, I feel as though I made a fool of myself even when I was right.

As I have grown more secure in myself and what I believe, I have found the need to be right about much of anything has largely vanished. It doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong. After an argument, the parties go their separate ways. It isn’t too long before the debate is out of mind and vanishes. Sometimes one stews and replays it over and over. But it doesn’t do any good to hang on the memory of it. Rehashing it over and over in the mind just causes further stress. It will also likely cause further stress with the person argued with—if you encounter that person again. Arguments with strangers on social media causes them stress as well, even if one never has interaction with that person again. To which, I wonder, what is the point of even having a debate with someone you don’t even know or will never meet?

The Apostle Paul, in Titus 3:9 writes to “avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless.” I imagine the arguments Paul is referring to concern religious matters. Arguing about religion is probably one of the world’s great oxymorons—especially regarding Christianity—a faith built on making peace. Paul tells his understudy, Timothy, in 2 Timothy 2:23-24, to not “have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.”

It isn’t wrong to have discussions or share what one believes. But it is another thing to force a belief as a correction when the underlying reason for it is insecurity. Debating isn’t wrong in and of itself either. However, it only works if both people or parties are willing to listen with open minds and open to incorporation of other paradigms into their own. When sharing a belief, or even a known fact, it needs to be done with respect and even tone. It is pointless to discuss anything with people that don’t listen.

• Proverbs 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

• Proverbs 10:8 “The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin.”

• Proverbs 12:15 “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.”

• Proverbs 14:7 “Stay away from a fool, for you will not find knowledge on their lips.”

• Proverbs 29:11 “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”

I sometimes still find myself engaged in folly. I still interject from time to time. Sometimes I find myself doing it and immediately regret it. Sometimes I comment on a social media post and recognize the futility of it. Sometimes I just bail out of it.

Despite sometimes finding myself where I should not be, I am generally more tactful than I used to be. I don’t tend to argue for argument’s sake; and I don’t tend to argue to be right or because I am trying to project intellectual superiority from a place of insecurity. I find some solace in that and see that even though I cannot get the past back, I can see evidence of growth and security.
We can’t be perfect. But we can be better.

I wrote this for someone I used to know. Maybe it can be of use to people now.

“Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” –Proverbs 18:2